Hello from the Ether: The #1 Lesson I’ve Learned During My 3-Year Hiatus from Music
Since I’m paying $26/month to keep this website live, an update is probably in order.
Long story short, my dog died (tragically and unexpectedly) 3 years ago and my soul shattered with her loss. With her loss, I also lost my desire to create music…at least in the same capacity. Grief is a powerful thing. IYKYK. But that’s sad AF, so I digress.
So here it is: the #1 self-revelation I’ve happened upon as a result of living through a trauma.
Trying to Convince People to Like You is Exhausting
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I wanted fame. I wanted a following. I wanted to experience the rush of adrenaline while hearing my song play organically on the radio and I wanted to feel proud that people chose to hear what I made.
Asking* people to Like my Facebook page and follow me on social media and react to my online videos and come out to my shows and share my content and stream my record….the list goes on. As much as I chalked these up to “necessary marketing efforts,” I knew deep down that I was chasing self-validation through music.
Turns out, being liked wasn’t a sustainable motivating factor. Chasing the spotlight was exhausting, and it took a traumatic event to help me admit my reality.
Am I Being Too Hard on Myself?
Nope, I’m not. Not this time, anyway. I’m notoriously hard on myself for a lot of things (something I’m working on with my therapist), so I’ve been trying to answer this question regarding music.
I know I’m not being too hard on myself because admitting my former motivations feels freeing rather than self-deprecating. I feel stronger having admitted my past pitfalls, and it’s helping me move forward in a more fulfilling manner.
I don’t care what people think of me as a person, but I do care if they connect with my music.
So, What’s Next?
I can feel the familiar tug of inspiration pulling at my heartstrings again after such a long absence.
I see studio time in my near future.
I can feel new tunes being created out of joy versus obligation.
I’m starting to feel renewed, and I’ll know when I’m ready to create again. And hopefully, with more sustainable motivating factors this time around.
Notes
*begging